Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
