Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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