when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
