his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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