At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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