Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Sponge bath it is.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
