It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
