If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
