It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
