Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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