Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Randomize
