In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
