Yo dont text me then not text me
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
