kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Drunk is a universal language darling
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