Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
