Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
