I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
