How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
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