I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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