so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I just found puke in my bra..
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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