the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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