Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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