They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
