I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
