Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
