my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Drake has all the answers
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
