So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
