He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
