You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
don't judge my taste in strippers
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Randomize
