I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
This couple is walking their pig around campus
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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