I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Randomize
