hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
