He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
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