i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
