So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
