Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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