Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
