I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
