hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Randomize
