Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
