Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
