My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I think my vagina is haunted
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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