Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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