moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
