I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
MIDGETS
????
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
