1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
