I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
