Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
