So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
I feel like abortions should bother me more
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
