pop tarts are not kleenex
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
He shit in the fireplace
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
